Monday, May 11, 2015

Less is Best

I thought I knew,
I thought you true.
I wanted more of this.

You were alive,
I was awake.
We love did make.

Perhaps

The less I believe,
The less I'd reel.
The less I know,
The less I'd feel.

In that case

I'll go away,
You wouldn't stay.
Peace to us,
and with us.

Amen.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Why over Z?

University of Toronto, Trinity College. Taken January 24, 2015.
 
 
Church is a place I haven't been to in a while. I don't think it has lessened my faith by any measure. I remember being vexed at church a couple of years ago. "Oh my goodness. They're playing the same praise song for the eight week in a row." I couldn't concentrate on the sermon, it was incredulously boring. The Word of God is never boring but when preached in a mundane fashion, it becomes so. It felt like a waste of time. Too much of an effort too. I had to cycle there, my aunt drove me there a few times, I walked a couple of occasions. The experience at that particular church was just not worth my energy to be there.
 
Married parishioners, all with toddlers, were showing signs of jadedness. A couple of families stopped showing up altogether after their second newborn.
 
I've been trying to find my own meaning of my Christian faith.
 
Are people inspired by me? Do people like me? Can I help others? Am I a good person?
Reading the works of Friedrich Nietzsche, I'm still contemplating what exactly is good if there is such a thing as good at all.
 
I've become fairly cynical. People say I'm gullible. Yes, in certain cases.
 
My morals have turned questionable. I've done some awful stuff. Regrettable though satisfactory at the same time. Life has become a delicate balance of worth. Is my life worth living? I feel tired every day. Should I die? Perhaps I could eventually do fulfilling work. Should I charge on? Even with all my energy it my resolve carries on with a crawl.
 
I'm young, I always think to myself, maybe the future will be better.
 
It's been getting better. It could even be better. A happier place, a stable scenario, a supportive environment, an intellectually stimulating influence. No more basic reflexes. No more survival mode. No struggle to have a calm roof over me.
 
I know that none of this would have been possible without God. I've been prayed for and blessed. My development is a miracle. My decent existence is a miracle.
 
It is always my story that keeps my own faith strong. I hope other believers have their own stories, their own divine encounters to root their faith.
 
There will be a limitless amount of whys.

We will never know. Not in this dimension.

It really is scary to not know. That's how fear mostly works. I feel bold enough but not strong enough. Physically not strong enough. My next miracle would be to become stronger. I do not feel good in this state at all.

Thank You.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Rules of Society

Basically a misfit is what you're calling me. Yes. I'd love to be an accidental rebel. Tell me what these rules of society are. You imply I don't know them. Or at least don't follow them. "You're a character, Zoe." Hmm, aren't we all characters in Life? Please elaborate. Elaborate why I amuse you; why you chuckle when you see me or when I spread lotion on my hands before wearing blue disposable gloves, why you pretend you want to harass me when I walk pass you.

I like it. I like you. I also dislike you. You're one of the few people I can truly say I'm on the fence about. Someone I like and dislike equally. Rare. More rare than a diamond really. For everyone else I either love to the extreme or loathe to the core. You? Neither. A perfect grey.

I know you to be a good man. An ignorant man. A self-absorbed man. A proud man. A funny man. A cute man. A caring person.

Bias. Sexist. Subconsciously but nevertheless--.

I'd rather ask why you have never questioned the rules of society.

"You have no filter."

"What's wrong with being honest? There's not enough honest people in the world."

"No, it's different. You have no filter."

"Honesty?"

"No. You're not listening, God."

Okay.

I'll learn to veil myself. My feelings. Pull wool over my mouth, on your eyes, in your ears. Morph myself into someone clever and cunning. Will you like me better then? Will I be smarter then? Popular? Sucessful? Trouble-free? Yes, yes, yes, yes, and only outwardly.


Mr. Mister, I ponder, who set up these so-called "rules of society"? Can't be God, hm, no, no... not women, I mean, really, we just started ruling, uh, nature? No, nature's getting ass-whooped, we don't know if she'll take it much longer. Men. Oh manly men, men, men. You. You see, I don't conform with your rules of social etiquette. Everyone has their own. Some more conservative. Some lax.

Mine's really lax, apparently.

I will return to reading Fifty Shades of Grey now.


Monday, February 16, 2015

Faint Acquaintance

Why do you feign fondness?
You did not have to pretend like it was anything but a one night stand.
Yet, it seems, out of apparent courtesy, you handed your phone to me.

I thought you wanted more.
But you didn't.

Was it because we had sex?

Why are undeniable connections made when it was meaningless to at least one party?
 Because we had sex?

You try to feign a friendship when there was no interest even in the beginning.
No, we are not friends, nor romantic partners, nor, nor...
Compatible.

Those actions revealed your apparent childishness.

Because we had sex. 
You felt like we needed to stay in contact.
However, you made no effort to communicate.

No bother was needed.

I am an adult. I am a woman.
Fully experienced with the pains of rebuffed affection.
From family, friends, and love interests.

You are but a stone to the canon balls I have received.

So long, sucker.
I will remember you.
Only because we had sex.