Friday, January 22, 2016

Icanhazlover

I'm so lonely
So terribly lost at
What to do with
My time and affection
I hope I
Will pass this feel-tain
Ha ha ha
I am so funny

Monday, December 28, 2015

Teary Call

I never liked the term missing piece
Do not say that I was that missing piece
I do not want to fit into your puzzle 
Do not say that I complete you

We are supposed to navigate a maze 
Next to each other learning our way
Getting lost yet keeping faith 
I want it to be that way 

You won't let me mold for us 
I would have lost the shape anyway
You would have noticed the gap and doubt
The accuracy of that jigsaw chunk 

Throw me away,
You can fill in it with technology and strength. 
A tiny blank fazes few
Your meaning is of most importance

Thursday, December 10, 2015

The Day Presses On

I used to wonder when I'd get better. I look at my forearm and the scars comfort me. It'd be weird if they weren't there. I'd do it again once they've disappeared. Depression has become a huge part of my identity. It has become part of my every day. I oversleep everyday, I'm tired everyday, I'm unproductive everyday. I try to remember to take my medication everyday. I think about suicide every few days. Then I wonder if the only way to rid myself of these thoughts and habits would be to die. Because I have learned that we are all expendable and we do not matter and casualties are casual and life goes on it is nothing precious we are scum and people are annoying conceited and dumb. Maybe when it finally happens I'll be happier knowing I'm no longer a problem to my professors and administration staff. When it happens I won't have to face the world when they find out my struggles and weakness.
The Bigger Picture? What is the bigger picture? Jesus' second coming. Heaven on earth. Sinners in hell. I don't know where I stand in the spectrum of holiness. It's probably closer to hell.
My vision was to help, change, and learn. Journalism does all that. I love to read and write but I barely do.
Why does it matter if people want to die? I think society overreacts to suicide. Let them go. Human babies are born every second. Illness, debt, sadness, meaningless. They're all valid reasons. Why does it matter so much to you? There are millions of perfectly happy people who do not have a care in the world. The population will survive. Let the fittest live on. That's how depression will be eradicated. It will disappear from the gene pool. The laws of nature, the laws of God, aren't they the path to peace and fulfilment?

Tuesday, December 01, 2015

Right Now

People are helping me.
I can make it. I will earn this degree. I will study and try, try.


Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Fraud

You wanna know what fuckin' grinds my gear?
Fake people.
Fake people really grinds the gears of my hating machine.
You're a fraud. And you. And you. And YOU. AND YOU. AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU.

Do you know why I have such a high turnover of friends? Because after detecting hypocrisy and cockiness with zero self-awareness, I become irritated by the person. Most people do not reflect on themselves. And I am not in the business of serving reality checks.

Why do you bother to pretend to be friends and say things you don't mean? You really needn't say that. My cup floweth over with piss. I don't want your piss, even if you're famous. Drop the act, homeboy. You are not down-to-earth for sporadically talking to me. You are not humble for being friends and following me on social media despite your celebrity status.

So God help you if you think your current social circle genuinely cares for you and are not only with you because of your fame. So God help you in your times of loneliness and identity crises. So God help you in your moments of weakness because I am not Jesus and your friends are not your disciples.

In my return I have learned who loves me and who I should love.

I am in awe of the people who profess love and loyalty without a moment's hesitation because they are always the ones who does nothing to show for it. You are what you are and you should know it. Do not ever use the excuse of time on me, do not ever expect me to go out of my way for you, do not do, I do not do.

This visitation has mangled my direction. I never wanted to come back. I hated the country. I hate everything about it in my desperate need of escape. I had to get out. Now I want back in, but not in the same place.

I hated being an alien. I was bitter from having my childhood broken in two. It made me complex and interesting. It made me a fascinating story. A detail I did not care for and would have rather it not be. Never did I expect that I'd love being here again from an existing history and connections.

All this time I was thinking, "Life or death?" but now it's become "here or there?"

God, is this You saving me again?