Thursday, July 16, 2015

Blowing

"What's it about?"
"Theft."
"Of what...?" probably worrying it would be really bad, like actual drugs.

No. It was just beverages, gum, and oh wait, yeah, a bottle of generic Tylenol #1s. I had suspected her dishonesty for a few months now. I was never fully sure, I often gave the benefit of the doubt, but now, as I told my boss and manager, "I'm 99% sure she's stealing."

At this time, I'd normally be sleeping, watching House of Cards (third season now, aw yeah) or YouTube videos, listening to music, or reading an article/blog post about a random topic that has piqued my interest for the week. I read a novel yesterday at this time, 11 pages if it counts (I'm a slow, absorbent reader). Instead, I am up and slightly guilt-ridden. Slightly.

My intentions were pure yet it's always a double-edged sword when you snitch. Like Edward Snowden, some people say he's a traitor, others a hero.

I ratted on a colleague today. Had I not, I would have felt I was disloyal to my employer but to a higher degree, I intrinsically felt that it was not right for her to do that and it had to stop. I wanted to speak to her myself except that I was told it was not my place. That was regarding her work ethics. I assumed it would be the same rule for her thievery.

I worked and worked, complained about other things, but kept silent on that. Very surprising that no one else had brought it up, very underwhelming to know that I'm the only one with a growing suspicion.

Two days left until my last day, my boss was in today, she rarely is. The idea popped in my head, I don't know what spurred it. Maybe it's because I always want to fix people problems. I unraveled the bag of beans or a cat, or physically, both; beans rotten and good, cat dead and alive. Beans and cat, I unraveled it ALL!

I knew it was right. I know it but I feel bad.

Would she get fired? If so, it'd be extremely difficult for her to find another job. Low intellect, obese, low drive, past young adulthood. I don't think she'll get fired though. My workplace is a very tolerant, forgiving environment. However, the possibility made me queasy.

Secondly, what will they do? Nothing? Well, then I might as well not have. Verbally warn her and have the status quo unchanged as usual? Ya, okay, whatever.

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

This job was a dream come true. It still is but the angels around are not as helpful as they're depicted in movies. I walked into the store regarding everything consecrated, my boss was the archangel, and my colleagues cherubs. *I have nothing against my boss, absolutely nothing. I have no criticism for her. My last workplace was a living hell and she saved me from it and gave me more. For that, I owe her for life.

 Reality trickled through the small crevices of the rosy cloud that was imaginarily floating in the pharmacy and its health clinic neighbors until my forthright irritability could no longer deny the very obviously imperfect community.

Here and there, everywhere, many things problematic but the business functioned like a healthy cell. It was and is a good business, and the relieving redeeming trait was that it continually improved. Sometimes, unreasonably slow or unresponsive, as to my colleague's sluggish, sloppy behavior and work but at least it focused on other issues.

As it has rained... well, drizzled, every time I  had experienced a disappointment, now my vision is as clear as the blue sky.

I do not completely blame her for degenerating, they had let her. Now, they have to deal with what they had not condemned. On the upside, the creation of a Lucifer was avoided.

~*~

Two more days and I will have no more full-time work. I will go to Boston and travel. Read. Write. Learn.

Crap, I need to get my student loan in order.

Also, I thank God for the chilly summer days because He knows my chintzy live-in landlords won't turn on the air-conditioning until it reaches Saharan temperatures. 

Friday, June 26, 2015

I Am a Woman Who Has Sex

I've been on Alysena for five days now. It's the generic name for Alesse, a popular birth control brand. I never thought I'd use an oral contraceptive or even non-hormonal ones before marriage. I never desired to be sexually active before marriage. How it happened is a hodgepodge of factors, some naïve, some unsavoury. The first time isn't normally due to marital passion; wanting to eternally be close to the person and forever hold a special place in their precious souls. Admittedly, I did have that idea in mind when it happened. But we're adults now.

Or are we?

Because I'm really laughing over the fact that despite the hypersexual media that surrounds us that is unquestioned and accepted, once you break that veil of seduction and insinuation, you are a WHORE. A bad, filthy, cum-dumpster WHORE. Not if you're male though. It's cool. You're a winner if you a lad ("Go master key! Open them legs Unlock them doors!")

The article that was trending on Facebook was Kaitlyn Bristowe. The extremely attractive star of The Bachelorette. Basically, she was heavily criticized for having sex with a contestant early on in the show (because women aren't allowed to have sex before developing life-long-committing feelings).

I thought it was ridiculous. You kidding me? She's a grown-ass woman. She's thirty for crying out loud. Kaitlyn can have sex with whoever she wants whenever she wants HOWEVER she wants!*
*Obvious limitations to that statement pertaining to the law.


I think... I think it's amazing that people are more critical of adult consensual sex than fucking sex trafficking.They kick up a fuss, they call Kaitlyn names, apparently it's a dirty deed but everything else that is explicitly wrong, e.g. rape/catcalling/harassment/molestation, is not a big deal because the recipient induced it in one way or another.


I mean, I mean, I'd react that way when I was 15. When I didn't know very much about intercourse and felt wary of people who were sexually experienced. I didn't know how different it made them or what kind of people they were if they have had or is continually having sex without guilt.

Today, on Facebook again, Bristol Palin was trending. Tina Fey's--I mean, Sarah Palin's daughter. (I love you Tina Fey and the whole cast of 30 Rock and Bossypants. Mucho a'more! Mwah, mwah, mwah!) Bristol is 24, pregnant, unmarried, and already has one child. Oh yeah, she's Republican too. Hahahhahahaha.

Wanna know a cool coincidence? Kaitlyn Bristowe. Bristol Palin. Kaitlyn Bristowe. Bristol Palin. Kaitlyn Bristol. Bristowe Palin. Kaitlyn Bristowle Palin. Who? What? Where?


I want to tell Bristol (the politician's daughter in case you're confused) that what is happening is understandable and I hope that your case would open the eyes of Republicans. As you know, this wasn't planned. You didn't want this to happen; it came unexpectedly. Not every woman that will go through what you're going has the same resources as you do. They're not rich and powerful. Abortion would be the best route for these ladies. If they choose not to abort, Republicans should not staunchly cut off welfare to the people who need it. DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW? SO STOP FUCKING TELLING WOMEN TO BE PRUDES. Women don't aspire to get an abortion. Cutting off coverage for and criminalizing abortion does nothing but harm to society.

I do not think less of you as a woman but as a human being. I am embarrassed for you to have rode the high horse of celibacy only to have fallen so conspicuously. You're plain pregnant. There's no easy denial of sexual activity. If only it were a lover who leaked rumours of physical intimacy with you. I bet people would believe you if you said you were divinely impregnated. (Many years ago, I heard there's insurance coverage for that.)
Bristol's constant referral to God drives me nuts too. What a fucking Pharisee behavior. "God is merciful," "God [is] by [her] side", look everyone, miracle of life, it's not like I killed someone, hallelujah, hallelujah, Life! You'd say anything to understate the hypocrisy. Of course, shift the spotlight to God. God is all great and powerful and mighty. Pregnancy is no big deal. God's blessing and forgiveness is bigger than all of this.

But what you advocated swayed many young girls into believing they would never have sex before marriage because they didn't need to. These young girls first experience and continuation would likely be very dangerous because they didn't think they needed (actual, legitimate, informative) sex education. You're lucky to be pregnant and a parent with your privilege. I can only imagine how it is actually like for other girls and women to be a single parent or pregnant... or a yet-again-pregnant single parent with half the advantages you have.


You know, I didn't even start taking "birth control" for birth control. I wanted oral contraceptives to manipulate my menstruation. I absolutely hate menstruating. I've thought about a hysterectomy for several years. After studying a little on hormonal contraception, I learned that I could control when my period is due. I never knew you could postpone your period. I didn't know you could delay it for three months! I thought, as a woman, I. HAD. TO. bleed every three weeks. Hence my experimentation with synthetic hormones.

Kaitlyn Bristowle Palin, just keep having sex... or not. You owe no one answers as long as you do not propel dumb ass ideas and impose fucking stupid laws on the masses.


Monday, May 11, 2015

Less is Best

I thought I knew,
I thought you true.
I wanted more of this.

You were alive,
I was awake.
We love did make.

Perhaps

The less I believe,
The less I'd reel.
The less I know,
The less I'd feel.

In that case

I'll go away,
You wouldn't stay.
Peace to us,
and with us.

Amen.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Why over Z?

University of Toronto, Trinity College. Taken January 24, 2015.
 
 
Church is a place I haven't been to in a while. I don't think it has lessened my faith by any measure. I remember being vexed at church a couple of years ago. "Oh my goodness. They're playing the same praise song for the eight week in a row." I couldn't concentrate on the sermon, it was incredulously boring. The Word of God is never boring but when preached in a mundane fashion, it becomes so. It felt like a waste of time. Too much of an effort too. I had to cycle there, my aunt drove me there a few times, I walked a couple of occasions. The experience at that particular church was just not worth my energy to be there.
 
Married parishioners, all with toddlers, were showing signs of jadedness. A couple of families stopped showing up altogether after their second newborn.
 
I've been trying to find my own meaning of my Christian faith.
 
Are people inspired by me? Do people like me? Can I help others? Am I a good person?
Reading the works of Friedrich Nietzsche, I'm still contemplating what exactly is good if there is such a thing as good at all.
 
I've become fairly cynical. People say I'm gullible. Yes, in certain cases.
 
My morals have turned questionable. I've done some awful stuff. Regrettable though satisfactory at the same time. Life has become a delicate balance of worth. Is my life worth living? I feel tired every day. Should I die? Perhaps I could eventually do fulfilling work. Should I charge on? Even with all my energy it my resolve carries on with a crawl.
 
I'm young, I always think to myself, maybe the future will be better.
 
It's been getting better. It could even be better. A happier place, a stable scenario, a supportive environment, an intellectually stimulating influence. No more basic reflexes. No more survival mode. No struggle to have a calm roof over me.
 
I know that none of this would have been possible without God. I've been prayed for and blessed. My development is a miracle. My decent existence is a miracle.
 
It is always my story that keeps my own faith strong. I hope other believers have their own stories, their own divine encounters to root their faith.
 
There will be a limitless amount of whys.

We will never know. Not in this dimension.

It really is scary to not know. That's how fear mostly works. I feel bold enough but not strong enough. Physically not strong enough. My next miracle would be to become stronger. I do not feel good in this state at all.

Thank You.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Rules of Society

Basically a misfit is what you're calling me. Yes. I'd love to be an accidental rebel. Tell me what these rules of society are. You imply I don't know them. Or at least don't follow them. "You're a character, Zoe." Hmm, aren't we all characters in Life? Please elaborate. Elaborate why I amuse you; why you chuckle when you see me or when I spread lotion on my hands before wearing blue disposable gloves, why you pretend you want to harass me when I walk pass you.

I like it. I like you. I also dislike you. You're one of the few people I can truly say I'm on the fence about. Someone I like and dislike equally. Rare. More rare than a diamond really. For everyone else I either love to the extreme or loathe to the core. You? Neither. A perfect grey.

I know you to be a good man. An ignorant man. A self-absorbed man. A proud man. A funny man. A cute man. A caring person.

Bias. Sexist. Subconsciously but nevertheless--.

I'd rather ask why you have never questioned the rules of society.

"You have no filter."

"What's wrong with being honest? There's not enough honest people in the world."

"No, it's different. You have no filter."

"Honesty?"

"No. You're not listening, God."

Okay.

I'll learn to veil myself. My feelings. Pull wool over my mouth, on your eyes, in your ears. Morph myself into someone clever and cunning. Will you like me better then? Will I be smarter then? Popular? Sucessful? Trouble-free? Yes, yes, yes, yes, and only outwardly.


Mr. Mister, I ponder, who set up these so-called "rules of society"? Can't be God, hm, no, no... not women, I mean, really, we just started ruling, uh, nature? No, nature's getting ass-whooped, we don't know if she'll take it much longer. Men. Oh manly men, men, men. You. You see, I don't conform with your rules of social etiquette. Everyone has their own. Some more conservative. Some lax.

Mine's really lax, apparently.

I will return to reading Fifty Shades of Grey now.