Thursday, October 08, 2015


I will never kill myself, I am too afraid. If hell does not exist, I do not want to die, if hell exists, I do not want to die. Why am I a live?


I wear a ring on my ring finger because I want to be married. I fantasize a life of love and loyalty. I have realized, however, that being married does not guarantee that. Neither how being ringed on my fourth metacarpal makes me married nor having a degree means you're smart. I have debated marriage, I do not believe in it. It is done for safe measure; liability.
We love ourselves too much to truly love others. Maybe that's why the Bible refers to the union in marriage as two becoming one, maybe that's why couples refer to each other as their better half.
She is supposed to be you. You her.
In that sense, only twins, triplets, and quadruplets can selfishly love one another.
Love is selfish. Love is self-affirming. Love is conditional. Love is mutual.
I love you, I say to you. I say to you to feel good. I say to you so you will say to me. I say as I feel. You think a lot, over the lot, extremely lot then miss the matter.
What's the matter?


Making me feel good doesn't make you a good person.
Helping me to be better does.
You are an invaluable companion right now.
This relationship has grounded me in my return.
It has also hollowed me out.

Do I want to be cool? I want to be me.
I am not that sweet
That cute
That pretty
That gorgeous
Girl you always see.

I am me and dissatisfied. You are what I want but hurts.
Love, most certainly not.
Appreciation craved, you are a fine fellow.

How I Am

I am never happy. I think it's what makes me happy.
The step I'm on is now a plateau.
The next step is steep.
It makes it safe and hard.

I am grateful but not content.
Some moments I feel to sleep.
Then I want to die because I don't want to sleep.

There is nothing to cry about.
Nothing is on my mind.
I see nothing.
Nothing matters.
Every one is so busy.

Friday, September 25, 2015

Lab Class

     Sitting in class, half hour given to write a draft. I'm not doing it. Not because I don't want to but I don't have enough information. The first two weeks has been good, relievingly good, praise the Lord good, I can do this good. I may be deluding myself. My work was graded with awful fractions. I have a big appetite, give me more!
      I like this professor. He plays jazz or classical music when the class is answering a quiz or writing. This man, this man is classy and sweet. "Music as wallpaper or music as perfume," he's saying right now. That is fascinating. I agree. It should be more subtle like being the blonde in the room; you notice it once in a while but you go about giving attention to other people and items like the food and decor. 
    Scene within a large scene. That is the filler. Which is still necessary, many people eat rice everyday. 

     I'm distracted. I'm listening to the professor and also thinking about my scene assignment.